I am an actor, writer, and filmmaker.

I grew up believing that I found my purpose in acting. Maybe it was because it was something I was good at, or a way to make friends, or a way to talk to girls, or because of the applause, or because my dad told me I had to do a club if I didn’t continue to do soccer, and I really didn’t want to do soccer because of my ezchema, or because I could get up every day and pretend to be someone else who had important reasons to live. I had to think about convincing this town I wasn’t a witch, or charming this girl who would eventually become my wife, or go into the military and cope through the scathing PTSD after losing my leg. There are a lot of reasons to become an actor, and I sometimes still doubt if I’m in this career for the right reasons. Maybe I’m such a good actor that I convince myself I’m here to inspire others and teach them and persuade them into critical thinking, when in reality I just want to be able to cry and be complimented for it or show this random girl I saw once that I’m doing something in my life that could lead to large-scale success. Also, that I have a six-pack. And you can see it through my white shirt in this scene because of the rain.

I had to fall out of love with acting and hate it every day, so that I could fall back into this hobby I genuinely loved. When I was in school, I would put off learning, my social life, my family, for acting. If I was not acting, I was not happy. That showed that I was hardworking, serious about my craft, and talented. Not that I was insecure, lonely, and depressed. Once this paid off, and I had enough credits to attract a girl, and have her fall in love with me, and leave school, and get represented, and join the union, and see a couple of reasons to love myself, I began to wonder what the f**k I was doing with my life. If I were so driven, why was I wasting my life preparing weeks to audition for a job, to play pretend, for the job to end, and continue on like this for the rest of my life? Especially when, as an actor, how the film pans out, or if it even makes it past post-production, is out of my control. How I live my life is in my control. And when a couple of projects weren’t finished, and I prepared for weeks, and didn’t land the next job, I couldn’t stop myself from believing that I was putting everything off in my life for nothing. And with these thoughts, I had no outlet. I was horrifically depressed and had no way to cry.

I needed therapy. And with that, the creative outlet that helped me through my depression was passed off for the clinically proven method. Eventually, in intense outpatient therapy, but starting with a fulfilling pursuit of social work in between projects so I could help others. I wanted to help people. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to matter all the time. And in order for me to go back to enjoying acting, I had to reevaluate what it is that made me someone who mattered. As I got older, I knew I had other aspirations, like friends, family, love. But I could not pursue that without hating myself. Because when I was pursuing it, I was that thing I’d been avoiding my whole life: myself. Eventually, through intensive outpatient therapy, I learned that I could be someone I loved by pursuing social work, while also continuing to act. And this time it would be easy. I’m now acting because I enjoy it, not because my perception of myself—an escape from myself—depends on it.

I am trying to find ways to continue being ambitious in both fields, social work and acting. Finding ways to allow them to benefit eachother in the overarching goal of benefiting others. Either on the front lines with those, like me, who are reaching out for help, or those distracting themselves from their need for help, as I did. My greatest attempt at combining the two is currently in my first film as director, writer, and star. In the process, I have struggled, learned, and felt extremely fulfilled. And when this film is complete, if it doesn’t sweep the festivals, I want that to be okay.